Well, here goes…

Voice-memo’s and verbally expressing myself…. absolutely.

Lists, doodling, and bullet-points… yes, please.

Forming long and vulnerable sentences and posting them publicly as a blog = meh.

So, as a part of the Scare Your Soul Challenge this weekend, I decided put my pride aside and formulate those long and vulnerable sentences and string them together in this lovely little blog post that I am posting publicly, right now.

I cringe thinking that this post has no “perfect flow” or “point”…but that is exactly why I am doing it. To test the fact that:

a) I can CHOOSE to cease the resistance to blog posting and social media sharing, and

b) that I can actually post something without it being “perfect”.

You see… my competitive soul has battled the concept of social media for ohhhhhh, a long time. Sure, I post something on Instagram daily or I share an encouraging article on Facebook, but I have been struggling with it because I feel I am “doing the same thing as everyone else.” The ironic thing is, I actually really thoroughly enjoy a lot of people’s social inspiration and personal journeys.

I AM COMMITTED TO PUTTING MY EGO ASIDE. And no, I will not snap out of it this second and it will not be some magical overnight a-ha moment, just by posting this. It will be a process. But the declaration is all that matters. Okay I am rambling. Onward.

A little snippet about me (that most all of you know) is that I THRIVE off of communication, verbalization, expressiveness, connectivity, relationships, and, of course…voice-memo’s of ALL of my thoughts and outlooks. THAT is the essence of my “extrovertism”. Everything else, contrary to popular belief, lies within my introverted, self-explorative, competitive self.

Two weeks ago, I got frustrated “writing” and tossed this post aside in hopes to find clarity to begin again. So yes, I am currently having a staring contest with my cute lil MacBook Air’s blank page.. I am ready…and willing to explore how my ego is rocking my world.

I just finished listening to an epic podcast by Ryan Hawk, where he personally got psycho-analyzed by Steven Sisler. One of the things Sisler said was the following:

“Some of the most competitive people are not competitors. They are competing against themselves. They are trying to be what they think they can be, because they are not content with what they are.”

So what does this really mean? As humans, we all crave to be significant….to soar beyond our self-induced limits. And if we don’t want that, then usually we are scared to admit that we want that.

I consider this entire self-inflicted pain, that of competing against myself. I am so hard on myself. And not for one second am I scared to admit that. I KNOW deep within my heart that this doesn’t mean I am weak. Nor does it mean that I don’t have a clue who I am. As humans, our identities are absolutely ever-evolving. BUT, at the core…..the CORE… is our soul. That soul is something that shows with our every step, our smiles, laughs, genuine friendships, supportive love and beautiful struggles. It is the essence of who we are. I personally stuff myself with the idea that I must, ought-to and should be perfect. WHATEVER that is…

I preach on how beautiful being vulnerable is, and yet, I struggle to express myself vulnerably. I almost need a bit of inspiration. I get stuck in the “needs” and I “should have’s”. So I ask myself…at what point am I going to take the needs and shoulds out, and start actually practicing what I preach?

I will tell you why. IF I admit to being in a vulnerable spot in my life, in my mind, I have failed everyone around me. All of the glorious people I coach and work with would think that I don’t have my successful world together. Really, truly. Yes, that is what my brain thinks.

So what is it that I am seeking to grasp? What is this perfect illusion that I am creating to be my only “reality”? Is the very thing that made me successful (my ability to never be satisfied) now hindering me from living a life of inner-peace and personal-satisfaction?

 I pride myself on truly knowing my soul, deep down. I value my reflection time, as it is grounding and foundational to my core. I thrive off of pure adventure with a side dish of love and significance.

So what is stopping me from letting go of what I feel I SHOULD do, have, and BE…and living the carefree life I crave? It might be time to reassess… what is MY version of success? It is such a simple question with a loaded answer.

I think the answer is in the DOING.

 

…and on that note I am going to let this blog post be, in part because I want to leave that last question to sit and simmer. Forcing any more of my thoughts to paper is the exact opposite of what I am striving to express, which, in the end, is to just begin.